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You Are Not Responsible for You Ex's Feelings

Uncategorized Jul 15, 2019

You thought he was a great guy. He was when you committed to him. He was loving, respectful, and made you feel good about yourself.

Then, the breakdown came. Your ex became a different person with you, and you became a different person with him. Following the breakdown, a breakup came, and all ugliness broke loose - yours and his. He said words to you that no woman or mother should ever hear. You said words to him that no man or father should ever hear.

He insults, blames, and riles against you, causing you to feel bad about yourself and question your worth. You try to fix matters thinking you have to because it's your nature to be a caregiving people-pleaser.

But you don't have to fix him or take responsibility for his feelings, attitude, or reactions. In fact, now is the time to take back your power. This power is one you once gave to him but rightfully belonged to you. This is the power you need to move on and be happy, secure, and confident. So long as you allow him to make you feel responsible (i.e., hold your power), you will be in emotional twists and turns at his whim.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind whenever your ex holds you responsible for his feelings:

  • How he feels and how he reacts to his feelings are his choice and his responsibility alone.
  • When he makes you feel bad about a decision, understand that he attempts to eliminate the pain he is in. The fastest and cheapest way to get out of emotional pain is to blame you.
  • You cannot help him feel better unless he wants to feel better. And, if he wants to feel better from you (and you want to help), demand first that he express that want clearly, respectfully, and after he has done some introspection.
  • Before you read his texts, emails or take his calls, make this declaration out loud to yourself, "[Your Name], You Are Good Enough!" It's a power statement that will dilute the impact of his behavior on your heart.
  • Don't say, "Oh...I'm sorry..." anymore. This phrase is the death of self-confidence. Instead, say, "I apologize..." (if there is a legitimate reason to do so) or "Got it" (if being reasonable with him is not practical).
  • You don't have to take anything he says personally. When you do take what he says personally, you endure needless suffering. Suffering causes sickness.
  • Think about what it must be like in his shoes (you may need an objective person to help you with this). If you do and respond neutrally, you begin to teach him how to interact with you more appropriately.

You can only manage your feelings. With skill and practice managing your feelings, you won't be easily upset by your ex's reactions. You can never control the feelings of another. And why would you want to anyway? Controlling your own feelings is enough work.

Be encouraged with this: you can be happy after a breakup. Happiness must be intentional and practiced. Use these tips so that you can be a happier, more self-confident, and resilient woman.

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