They were arguing again. Not in a loud, obnoxious way that an unhappy couple in a marriage tends to do. Theirs was a low-grade disagreement where Mom was the talker, and Dad was the walker. And that day, Dad walked out of the house forever.
But before Dad walked out, I heard the disagreement in vague bits and pieces. Mom and Dad were in the bedroom. I was in the kitchen of our small home in Los Angeles, CA. It was the early 1970s. I was around 7 or 8 years old. The uneasiness I felt knowing they were arguing in the bedroom was mounting. I pretended to be busy in the kitchen, but I stood by the door to try and hear what they were saying.
Dad came quickly out of their bedroom. I watched as he walked hurriedly to the front door. Mom walked behind him, saying something that sounded like the teacher (and all adults) in Charlie Brown movies, “Mwa mwa. Mwa-mwa-mwa-mwamwamwa!” I don’t remember exactly what she was saying, but she was talking, and Dad was walking even...
I stumbled across the radio program, “Marriage Beyond the Vows,” in 2013. I wasn’t looking for that particular radio program. It was merely in the way of me getting to the station I really wanted: NPR on WHYY FM 90.9. After a quick listen to “Marriage Beyond the Vows” with Host Pastor Marcos Mercado, I kept scanning for NPR with the thought, “Let other people figure out their marital woes. My woes are long over!” And on I went to listen to NPR’s “Morning Edition.”
Fast -forward to a Wednesday in November of 2016, three years after my divorce. While driving my youngest to school, I turned the radio to my favorite program, “The Tom Joyner Morning Show.” “Marriage Beyond the Vows” was advertising their upcoming Relationship Seminar, inviting the listeners to come to the free event. It was Pastor Marcos Mercado…again…in my way of getting to the program I really wanted to...
There is no way to avoid it.
In relationships of all types, you will have trials and tribulations, challenges and upsets, disagreements and arguments, breakups and breakdowns. It’s just the way the relationship game goes.
Let me ask you this: when your relationship is difficult and draining, what do you usually do?
Here are some options:
One (or more) of these is your default. Which one is it?
Happiness seems nearly impossible when going through a difficult or draining relationship. Feeling unhappy overwhelms you. Feeling unhappy really sucks. Doesn’t it? You think about this draining relationship on your way to work, while you are handling a customer service call, washing your clothes, shopping at the grocery store, paying your bills, even while watching TV. The relationship stresses you and consumes your thoughts, time and...
I can’t think of one person I know who doesn’t want a happier relationship. Can you? (Well, I guess you could consider those people who are always cranky, miserable to be around, and super-complainers. However, with happier relationships, they would be less of these ways).
We are hardwired for relationships - fulfilling relationships - where we feel deeply connected to and respected by another human being. That’s why when a close relationship comes to an end, we go through withdrawals. Experts in Breakup Psychology tell us that when we go through a breakup, the brain experiences it as if going through withdrawals from drug addiction.
But this blog is not about breakups (which is an experience I enjoy coaching individuals to heal and grow from). This is about improving the relationship that you already have. The mistake we often make in relationship improvement is that we expect the other person to change (start doing this or stop doing that). We expect...
Leslie paced the floor back and forth with the phone on her ear. She couldn’t quite contain her nervous energy. She was having a difficult time accepting the advice coming from the other end.
“But…but…I don’t want to ruin his life. I don’t want this to hurt his clean record.” She protested.
“Leslie, how many times have you called me about this? What incident number is this one?”
“Four. This is the fourth time.” Leslie didn’t want to admit it.
“And how many of those times did you have to call out ‘sick’ from work until your bruises cleared up?”
“Four. I called out four times.” Leslie reluctantly answered as she cleared her throat.
“Correct, which means you lost at least 18 productive days of work or 144 hours. And how many hours of productivity did Rodney lose?
“Well - ”
“How many, Leslie?”
According to author Raphael Cushnir, the one thing holding you back is resisting your feelings. The one thing holding you back is refusing to feel, refusing to allow your emotions to deliver their message to you. The one thing holding you back is not healing because you don't want to feel unpleasant emotions.
Are you enough?
How do you answer this question? What's the standard you use to decide if you are enough or if you are not enough?
More than likely, you measure yourself by comparing yourself with others. More than likely, your answer to this question is, "I'm not enough".
Experts tell us that we have 60,000 - 80,000 thoughts per day (that's a lot of thoughts to keep up with). Not only do we have more thoughts than we can handle, but the majority of these thoughts are also negative! That means, most of your thoughts are rehashed and depleting.
Many of these repetitive thoughts are, "I am not enough".
When you think you are not enough, your thoughts create a reality that doesn't empower you. In fact, what you most want out of life you work far too hard to get when you don't have to:
Question for you: Who is that co-worker, friend, relative, neighbor, church member, client, loved one that has gone through a divorce (whether recently or years ago)?
You know the one I'm asking about who:
Why not share this inspirational message and tip I offer in this video, "How to Get Over Your Ex and Be Happy"? She will be grateful that you thought about her and that you care.
Let her know that she can receive a series of inspirational videos with a solid tip to help her get over her feel good enough to get over ex and be happy.
That's what I do. I help women of divorce feel good enough to get over an ex and be happy.
Will you help me help her by inviting her to...
How many times have you asked yourself, "Why can't I get over my ex? I don't even like him anymore."
The best answer you get is, "You will. It takes time to heal."
Pain does take time to heal. No one (unfortunately) can tell you just how long time will take for you to heal. The time seems...well...up to the Gods. If you could appeal to the Gods, you would certainly ask them to cut you some slack and speed up the timing. After all, you have a life to live.
However, time is not the reason you can't get over your ex. And no matter how long you force yourself to get over your ex, you can't seem to.
The reason you can't get over your ex is simple: you keep thinking about your ex and reliving the emotional experience over and over and over and over and over again. One thought leads to another thought, and those thoughts lead to more thoughts and so on and so on. Before you...
You thought he was a great guy. He was when you committed to him. He was loving, respectful, and made you feel good about yourself.
Then, the breakdown came. Your ex became a different person with you, and you became a different person with him. Following the breakdown, a breakup came, and all ugliness broke loose - yours and his. He said words to you that no woman or mother should ever hear. You said words to him that no man or father should ever hear.
He insults, blames, and riles against you, causing you to feel bad about yourself and question your worth. You try to fix matters thinking you have to because it's your nature to be a caregiving people-pleaser.
But you don't have to fix him or take responsibility for his feelings, attitude, or reactions. In fact, now is the time to take back your power. This power is one you once gave to him but rightfully belonged to you. This is the power you need to move on and be happy, secure, and confident. So long as you allow him to make you...